


for every time i loved you

by roseticos



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, basically a small assortment of seungkwan ships, failed relationships.., he gets his happy ending, homophobia mention, welcome to seungkwan loving hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-13 17:39:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17492285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseticos/pseuds/roseticos
Summary: the first time boo seungkwan fell in love, he was left with scars.





	1. hansol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED-- sept. 1, 2019

The first time Boo Seungkwan fell in love, he was too young to realize what was happening.

Maybe it was a chance he overlooked, a dream he didn't realize was too late, shredded into a pile of bitter regrets. After all-- for a couple of sprouting teenagers— it was doomed from the start. They were just two kids who didn't know.

Maybe they weren't meant to be. Maybe it was destined for Seungkwan to fall face first for someone he could never have. A lonely boy was made to be alone. 

_Friends don't crush on friends. Boys don't crush on boys._

Looking back, a part of himself realizes it could have worked under the right conditions. If they really tried, even if it didn't last, it would have been a good thing for both of them.

As fate would have it, though, things were anything but favorable for them. The spark between them died— or, rather, the spark was doused; beyond their control— beyond _Seungkwan's_ control— at the time.

He still has nightmares, startled awake in sweaty pajamas, a vague image lingering at the edge of his memory and the phantom feeling of being pulled away tingling his skin. Those are the nights when Seungkwan recalls the first time he fell in love with his childhood friend. Those are the nights when he drifts back to sleep with a pounding head and leaking eyes.

So, when Seungkwan comes face to face with Chwe Hansol for the first time in twelve years, he isn't sure how to feel about it. He appears by chance through the daycare's volunteer program, eager to learn and help where he's needed.

There's a part of Seungkwan that's excited to have someone with similar passions on his team, the even quieter hopeless romantic sure pressing that this is a second chance with him. It's a reminder that they still know each other, that they're adults now and can do what they please. 

But there's still the unsurfaced trauma of seeing him again; the buried echoes of yelling and fighting. There's crying and hopelessness like a tragedy and Seungkwan's chest hurts every time he remembers.

With Hansol in front of him now— studying Seungkwan just as Seungkwan studies him— it's hard to keep memories like those at bay. Entertaining children throughout the morning, drawing their attention to the pretty colors of their toys, they steal glances at one another in silent question. 

By lunch, when they talk, Seungkwan has realized there's nothing lingering for Hansol and that they can remain acquaintances, friends at best. And he's certainly okay with that— _more_  than okay, really.

After all, he didn't know, back then, what he felt. It wasn't wrong, but it wasn't easy, either. Sifting through years of conflict over Hansol, Seungkwan discovers that there are less good feelings attached to him than bad.

It's not Hansol's fault. They both know that. Hansol had no influence over what his and Seungkwan's parents felt and what happened to them because of it. It wasn't Hansol's fault that they were torn away from each other.

It's beyond their control now as much as it was then.

Try as he might, Seungkwan can't wipe his memories clean and start over. Neither can Hansol. When one sees the other there will always be a twinge of regret, an involuntary flinch before the friendly smile.

The first time Boo Seungkwan fell in love, he was left with scars.


	2. seokmin

The second time Seungkwan fell in love, it was an accident never meant to happen.

They were friends. That was what he decided because crushing on his roommate was _not_ accounted for under _any_ circumstances. And he _wasn't_ crushing on him. He wasn't staring too long, wasn't trying to lessen the space between them, and the fluttery feeling in his chest when he smiled was different from the aching sentiment he felt for Hansol. 

It’s platonic. That's what Seungkwan tells himself because the feelings he has for his roommate don't mean anything. They're just two boys who live together, unable to pay their own rent, and it's all some big, dumb misunderstanding for him to work out on his own. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to discuss.

 _It doesn't mean anything_ , Seungkwan whispers when Seokmin insists on picking him up from work, telling him that he deserves the rest after a long day.

 _There are no feelings_ , Seungkwan reminds himself with a bitter smile as Seokmin tells his tenth joke of the day, flashing his megawatt smile and giggling as they shop for groceries.

 _I'm sorry_ , Seungkwan cries when he wakes Seokmin one night, the older slipping into his bed so he can hold him to his chest and quell his fears.

 _I'm okay_ , Seungkwan reassures Seokmin when he asks how he is.

Denial is a deep hole to pull oneself out of, and it isn’t until one afternoon, when Lee Seokmin, his sunny roommate, is rambling about his day that Seungkwan realizes what he’s doing. Finding it impossible to turn away from that smile— the one that sends his heart soaring— Seungkwan knows that he’s in too deep.

Even long after Seokmin has finished talking, Seungkwan still admires him and the older notices, the air twisting into straining tension that only snaps once he asks if he’s okay and how his day was at work.

Seungkwan suddenly finds the nearest window more entertaining when he answers.

Later that night, when Seokmin asks if there’s anything between them they need to talk about, Seungkwan is confident as he replies that no, there isn’t.

After all, there isn’t anything between them. No feelings, no strings attached because— if Seungkwan really is smitten— it would never work. There is still too much against him, pulling him away from his chances of being happy with someone else.

There is still buried hate towards himself, nightmares and shaking and pulling and _crying_ and suddenly Seungkwan doesn’t love anyone anymore.

The second time Seungkwan fell in love, he was too afraid to admit it.


	3. mingyu

The third time Seungkwan fell in love, he started over.

He wasn’t sure what he wanted. Twisted by tragedies and tv dramas, his perception of romance and what he hoped to gain from it was rudimentary. Expectations low, he wasn’t searching for much. 

Perhaps an affect of Seokmin, Seungkwan needed someone who cared about him, who could make him laugh and be there when his nightmares came. He wanted someone loyal who understood.

At first, he found that in Kim Mingyu.

Tall and cute Mingyu, who tripped over his own feet and swallowed Seungkwan in his embraces. Mingyu, Hansol’s friend who had sparkly eyes and a jawline he could cut himself on. Mingyu, smiley and friendly and caring, who held Seungkwan’s hand when he asked and kissed the top of his head when he greeted him.

At first, it was perfect.

When they started dating, having confessed at the same time over a cup of coffee, Seungkwan thought he must have been in a dream. It was as if Mingyu was the prince that swept him off his feet, and for the first time, Seungkwan was happy to say that yes, Mingyu was his boyfriend and yes, he was in love. Happily. _Finally_.

The next day, Seungkwan told Hansol what had happened, and his friend beamed, all but tackling him because he was proud that he found someone who worked.

At first, Mingyu did.

Mingyu, who fueled Seungkwan’s social nature, who teased him and laughed with him as they did dumb boyfriend things like playing games or having dinner, or visiting the café where they got together every weekend.

At first, Mingyu loved Seungkwan.

Loved how he looked, praising his body and reminding him that diets were dumb when there were better things to eat; loved how he would burst into song, pretending to serenade him or humming when he did things; loved him when he laughed and loved him when he cried.

Seungkwan loved Mingyu, too. He found everything he needed in him, and was happy because of that. Being with him, he felt like he was getting better— like he was loving himself more and more.

Mingyu was everything he needed. Mingyu treated him well and made him laugh. They took care of things together and supported one another. When nights were hard and Seungkwan found himself doubting, Mingyu would pull him closer, whispering how much he loved him into his hair until he believed it again.

Oh, how Seungkwan believed it.

Even when their trips to the café increased, when Mingyu’s gazes lingered on the shy barista with thin framed, circular glasses, he believed that he loved him. Even when his boyfriend was visiting the coffee shop by himself and talking to the pretty boy behind the counter, Seungkwan believed that he loved him. Even as Mingyu was falling out of love, Seungkwan believed that he wasn’t.

There is an argument.

Seungkwan doesn’t cry in front of Mingyu when he leaves. He doesn’t allow him to see how it affects him, although it’s tempting to let him see everything, including how much it hurts him.

It’s only when Seungkwan’s apartment door closes, the last of his boyfriend absent from his life, that he slumps against the door and sobs until his throat is raw and it hurts to remember him.

It hurts. _So_ badly. It’s staining and bitter and it doesn’t leave him, stabbing his heart and staying. Lingering. Digging its hole as another thing to think about. Another thing to haunt him. Another failure. Another heartache.

The third time Seungkwan fell in love, his trust was broken.


	4. soonyoung

The last time Seungkwan fell in love, he was wary.

He had every reason to be. Being open to a relationship while having plenty of anxiety and past failures was anything but easy.

After Mingyu, there wasn’t anyone. It took months of Seokmin and Hansol’s solace for Seungkwan to even consider moving on, much less think of someone else. 

After Mingyu, Seungkwan fell into old habits. More often than not, he went to sleep late and woke up early in Seokmin’s bunk, having been too afraid to sleep by himself. He stopped drinking coffee altogether, lest he remembered the café and the dumb barista who worked there.

Time slipped by.

Seungkwan still worked at the daycare with Hansol, who by then was fully employed there. Seungkwan still lived with Seokmin, having moved back in. Seungkwan still loved Mingyu, and was glad when Hansol told him he was happy with that other boy, though Seungkwan hadn’t seen him since they broke off.

But he still wanted someone. No matter how many times experience told him he couldn’t have a happy ending, that same part of him always came back to say that he could always try again, that everyone gets their happy ending eventually.

Seungkwan wanted someone like Mingyu, but better. He wanted loyalty, this time. He wanted it to be genuine this time, wanted this boy to only love him instead of looking around. He wanted this one to say _You’re the only one I need_ rather than just _I love you_.

Held back by himself, he didn’t go looking. Seungkwan went about his life, content with the friends he held onto and the support they gained from one another. He was thankful a hundred times over for Hansol and his jokes or Seokmin and his affection.

It isn’t until someone moves into the apartment across from them that Seungkwan feels that quivering feeling in heart again. It isn’t until someone new knocks on Seungkwan’s front door, his grin endearing and demeanor pleasing that he knows he’s screwed.

_Hello!_ is the first thing he chirps, small eyes reduced to thin slits, _I’m Soonyoung and I’ve moved in across from you. I thought it would be polite to introduce myself seeing that we’re neighbors now!_

And after Seungkwan stutters that _It’s very nice to meet you, I live here with my roommate_ , he thinks that this is going to be very, very hard.

It’s even worse when Seungkwan leaves with Seokmin for work the next morning and Soonyoung is there, leaving as well and fully prepared to greet them with a sickeningly sweet _Hello neighbors!_ and Seungkwan knows he’s in for it because _how_ can he be so cute? What’s worse is that Seokmin notices his roommate’s reddening face and pulls him away and down the stairs, squealing like a teenage girl once they get in the car.

_You like him, Boo, you like him so much_ , and that’s how Seokmin set them up to have dinner together that weekend, and the weekend after that…

When they start dating, confessing at the same time outside of their apartments, it’s more than a dream. After a few stumbles, they seem to take off running, and Seungkwan finds himself deeper in love with Soonyoung than he ever had with Mingyu.

Soonyoung who is better than Mingyu, who doesn’t tease Seungkwan and makes loud jokes with him and does more than just boyfriend things like going out for ramen late at night when one of them can’t sleep. Soonyoung whose cheeks are squishy and Soonyoung who yells when he’s excited.

Soonyoung is more than everything Seungkwan needs. As long as they are together, Seungkwan is better. And when he isn’t, on nights that he doubts, Soonyoung tugs him closer and combs his fingers through his hair.

_I love you_ , he whispers, _I want you to remember that when you think of him. I love you and only you, and I’m proud to say that I have you and not someone else. That you’re the only one I need. Please remember that_.

He does.

He remembers on the anniversary of their first year together. He remembers on the second, too. He remembers on nights when he thinks too much, and remembers when he doesn’t think at all. He’s in love. And content with himself. But mostly in love.

The last time Seungkwan fell in love, he was happy,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not proofread, but taking advantage of a snow day to finish! soonyoung is our hero in the end, thanks to seokmin and hansol along the way,, (sorry gyu)
> 
> other than that, i'd like to give another overall thank you for the feedback i've gotten. i've gotten a lot of comments on this work and i love every single one of them and have had fun replying to them. it's nice to see other people enjoying what i make.
> 
> speaking of, i agree that seungkwan deserves everything and more. he's amazing and so thoughtful and nice,, he doesn't deserve anything bad ever. my boi gets his happy ending without question.
> 
> thank you again, i'll always reply to comments/questions! 💛💛💛


End file.
